5 things you absolutely must do to survive a trip to london

Jane Gibbons By Jane Gibbons, 18th Mar 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/23tyz_du/
Posted in Wikinut>Travel>Tips>Planning

A frank and honest consolidation of 5 points anyone visiting London should internalise to look like less of a tourist!

So you're going to London

London is a great city! Everyone loves seeing sights like the Houses of Parliament, Big Ben, St Pauls Cathedral, and Buckingham Palace to name a few. If you’re a tourist, there’s so much to do that it will be hard to take it all in, and you’ll constantly want to take in the sights so you can show your relatives the pictures of the amazing places you’ve been!

As a Londoner, it’s my official duty to say stop. Stop right there, and get out of the way. Harsh, but that’s the way one of the world’s busiest cities works. I live here, and not only do I not care that you’re on holiday, I actively begrudge you enjoying yourself on my patch.

If you come to London, expect to be bombarded with hordes of miserable commuters thinking the same thing. So that being said, here are a few tips to surviving your time in the capital. Strap in, things are about to get depressing…

Never stop

Do not stop walking. And, never walk slower than anything that can actually be considered less than a light jog. When moving from point A to B, your goal is not the destination, but to inconvenience those around you as little as possible. Even if you fear you’re going the wrong way, never stop or turn around. Continue in the direction you’re going and perform a gradual loop that takes a few hundred metres to complete. If you’ve done this well, you’ll receive no recognition, but no scorn either. Result.

Remain silent

Londoners communicate with each other through awkward glances stolen in those few seconds when the other person isn’t looking. Stay quiet and communicate with your eyes or the occasional grunt. Never point, as your thrusting finger will inevitably end up in, or near, someone’s face, who will recoil in horror then rotate so they’re no longer facing you. If you must use verbal communication on public transport, then it should be indistinguishable from the hum of the bus engine or the thundering of the tube carriage. At no time should you ever stand out from the crowd.

Be ready

Whether this is having your Oyster card ready at the gate, your debit card ready at the self-service checkout, or your order ready at the bar, never keep people waiting. If you’ve been on the tube once, you’re aware that there are gates when you’re exiting. So even if it’s your first visit to London, you’ll receive no mercy when fumbling around in your oversized bag for a ticket. Of course this disapproval will only be in the form of sideways looks and the occasional tut, which you may not notice, but to a local, is as deafening and uncomfortable as a nuclear explosion.

Relish in misery

If something works properly, is on time, or otherwise performs above your expectations, you should immediately be suspicious and try to distance yourself from the anomaly. Never overly praise something or get excited, because you’ll just look silly when it inevitably fails. When it does fail, you’re well positioned to complain about it later on, as you should not be vocal at the time. Suffer in silence, then dredge up those frustrations when you should be having a good time and socialising with friends.

Don’t trust anyone

As has been mentioned, your goal is to remain inconspicuous and blend into the background as much as you can. If someone approaches you who does not follow these rules, it is absolutely essential for your social standing, and possibly even your life, that you get away from them as quickly as possible. Normals in London do not start conversations with strangers. If someone does engage you, always assume they want to stab you, steal your money, and then use the funds to buy a sharper knife to repeat the process. Avoid at all costs.

So there are 5 tips to survive London if you’re planning to visit. As a local, I can attest to these rules, and following them is the only way I have managed to survive so long in this incredible city. If it sounds a bit much, then consider taking a virtual tour of the landmarks here. You’ll be safe, relaxed, and open; none of which have any place in the real capital.

Tags

London Tourist Attractions, London Travel Tips

Meet the author

author avatar Jane Gibbons
Digital marketing executive, I like to write in the financial technology niche, I also run my own personal finance blog.

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